Bug: Chapter 1 - working on the third draft part 1

The Crown jewel of this chapter is the ending. In this ending we really turn up the action. For the third draft I want to start with this section. I will focus on showing, not just telling. Instead of saying Rebecca was terrified, I need to show the reader that she is terrified. Lets compare the second draft and the third draft to see how this can be done

Second Draft

“You missed you dumb bit..” the nearest man’s taunt was interrupted by a concussive explosion. A ball of flame engulfed the two men and pushed the garbage bin backwards about 10 yards. She scanned the area with her weapon. Two charred bodies lay in the alley. A sense of relief hit her as she saw the men motionless on the ground. She knew there were at least 3 of them. She saw one go down, in the grocery store, and then there were these two. With her scope she inspected the bodies. One man had lost both of his legs and had a large hole in his chest. He must have been the one nearest to the bike when it went off. The second man was badly burned, his skin blackened. He was wearing a vest. A vest with a cougar

patch sown into it. This was the man she shot at. She saw him fall to the ground. He must have survived the first shot. An uneasy sense of panic ran through her mind as she wondered where the third man was. Where was Dearil?

“Here I am girly.” A familiar voice whispered from behind her.

She rolled to her back to see the silhouette of a man a few feet behind her in the loading dock. He was in a sprint charging up to her. The face was revealed as to be Dearil’s as he broke from the shadows. She raised the riffle and pulled the trigger but he was already on top of her. The bullet went wide. She struggled to hold onto the riffle but he used his weight to wrench it out of her hands. She was pinned down, Dearil’s full weight on top of her. She looked up at him terrified, and saw him smile. He then smashed her head with the butt of her riffle and her vision went black.

Third Draft

“You missed you dumb bit…” a concussive explosion interrupted the man’s taunt. A ball of flame engulfed the two men. She felt the heat on her face. The garbage bin was thrown backwards several feet. She scanned the area with her weapon. Two charred bodies lay in the alley. The men were not moving. Her grip on the riffle relaxed. She rested her head on her arms. She felt her muscles loosen as she lay on the floor. She played back what had just happened in her mind. She knew that there were at least 3 of them. She saw one go down, in the grocery store. Then there were these two. With her scope she inspected the bodies. One man had lost both of his legs and had a large hole in his chest. He must have been the one nearest to the bike when it went off. The second man was badly burned. His skin blackened. He was wearing a vest. A vest with a cougar patch sown into it. She froze looking at the cougar patch. Her chest tightened. When she saw the cougar patch her body sunk in place. She felt like gravity was pushing her down into the floor of the loading dock. The man she shot in the grocery store had a cougar patch. He had this exact cougar patch on his vest. This was the man from the grocery store. She shook her head, squinting her eyes. She had seen this man fall to the ground, but there he lay. A smoldering corpse in the alley. He must have survived the first shot she thought to herself. She embraced the stock of her riffle pulling it in to her cheek. Her fingers wrapped tightly around the weapon. She did a fast scan of the carnage moving the scope side to side. She only saw the two men. She darted the scope across the alley in front of her and back again. Where was the third man? Her stomach turned. She could taste bile. Where was Dearil?

“Here I am girly.” A familiar voice called from behind her.

She rolled to her back to see the silhouette of a man a few feet in front of her. The figure tore through the loading dock toward her. Dearil’s face was revealed as he broke from the shadows. She raised the riffle and pulled the trigger but he was too close. He was already on top of her. The bullet went wide. Both she and Dearil had the riffle in their hands. His full weight was on top of her, pinning her to the floor. She tugged the riffle but it did not budge. He jerked the riffle, wrenching it from her hands. Her eyes were wide looking up at him holding the riffle. His mouth spread into a wide grin. She squeezed her eyes shut and raised her arms to cover her head. The butt of the riffle slammed into her hands, smashing her head into the concrete. Her head was throbbing with pain. She could hear her pulse pounding in her ears. Her hands and her head were wet. She opened her eyes to see the pink of her watered down blood streaming into her eyes.

Through her finger she saw him raise the riffle again. “Now we can have some real fun girly!” he said as swung the riffle downward. She was struck with a blinding pain and fell into a dark numbness.